What I learned from driving off a cliff

We have all had life changing moments. Experiences that leave a mark, that teach us lessons, that wake us up to a reality we had been ignoring - experiences that change our lives and always, always have a positive side to them, if we look close enough. A year ago, driving off a cliff topped my lists of those such moments. However, I don't think that this sort of mishap is a prerequisite to all of the positive that came from this experience (which by far outnumbers the bad) Therefore, the goal of this post is to share some of the ways in which this experience has changed me, in hopes that it will help you go through a similar process, without the whole falling-down-a-cliff part of it.

Sunsets at Sea Ranch are magical

Exactly one year ago today, driving south on CA Highway 1, back home from Thanksgiving break at Sea Ranch, I lost control of the car in a downhill curve and fell down the cliff. I survived by a miracle - literally. Here is a translated portion of my journal (Yes, it is in the present tense because these are the actual thoughts that went through my mind. No, I was not writing and driving - although that would have been the most hilarious and nerdiest way to almost-die!)

THE FALL

The sun is just beginning to rise, it is a bit before 7am. It rained the last few days so the road is pretty wet, and empty. A big turn comes, and I accidentally do it too wide. I grab the wheel with both hands and turn turn turn... shoot, I am on the grass, this is not good, it's slippery... I feel the front wheels in the air. There is a precise moment, a millisecond, when balance of the car goes from being on the road to being on the nothingness, and begins to tilt down like a seesaw - it is then that I realize that I am going to fall. It is this moment that haunts my dreams to this day, and makes me cringe when driving up mountains. the scariest moment of my life.

All I can think of is "This is such a stupid and embarrassing way to die, what will my parents think?" I see bushes, branches, rocks, sand, and the ocean waiting for me below. I cannot think logically, actually I just cannot think at all. I act on survival instinct alone. My subconsciousness (or as I prefer to call it, my Guardian Angel) decides that it is a good idea to turn left, towards the inner part of the U that the curves form. Try to regain control of the car, try to get as parallel to the street above as possible. I can't see very well, the car is going way too fast. I am now perpendicular to the water, but tilted to the side. If I roll off, then I am really dead.

I remember that years ago, it was a rainy morning, I was in the back of a carpool, the car aquaplaned and crashed onto the one in front. After that, my dad told me "on rainy days you need to brake little by little, or you'll slide". Maybe the same goes for a hillside? I brake and release, brake and release. Shoot, I am going to crash into the other side of the curve (the other leg of the U) - I don't know what I prefer, rolling down and drowning, or the impact of a mountain on my face. The car is really, really tilted, its going to turn over. I am scared, paralizad. It stops.

The music is still on, it's making me feel uncomfortable, it keeps on playing as if nothing happened. I turn it off. I turn off the car, take out the key. I grab my cellphone, no service. I need to get out of here before this things rolls down the mountain. On the passenger side is my laptop, my backpack, wallet. I can live without them, I can't risk reaching over and making the car go off balance. I open the door just enough to put one foot on the ground, One foot on the ground, if the car tilts, I can just fling myself out. I hold on to my breath and without any momentum push myself out of the car. I am out. Due to the slope of the hillside I cannot stand perpendicular to the ground, instead I fall onto it. The bush is too dry, I grab on to it and it just comes right off. How the hell am I going to get up to the street?

A few meters from where I "parked" there is a structure, one of those things that they create to hold up the mountains on these types of highways. It is a bunch of rocks, held together by what looks like a wire fence, that create steps almost all the way up to the street. Each step is about my height. I start climbing. Don't you dare look down. Actually, don't look up either, just concentrate on the steps. I reach the street.

It's empty. I start walking towards where I was going. I don't know exactly how much time goes by. I feel relief. I have never felt so ALIVE. I am flooded with adrenaline.

I see a van coming, get on the middle of the street waving my hands above my head, this feels like a movie, they are going to think I drunk. "Do you have service? I just had an accident and need to make a call." Nope, no service. But they say they saw the car down there - good, it hasn't rolled over. They offer to take me to the next village. On the ride over I am the one that tries to calm them down, "I am fine. Look, nothing happened to me. It's okay, don't worry!" I am in shock. I am disconnected from my own body. It was not me who fell, someone else did. I am telling someone else's story. Nothings sinks in, I almost feel like laughing.

We get to the little village of Jenner. "You can just drop me off here at the gas station."

I call my parents - made sure my mom was laying down and safely in her bed before breaking the news, would rather not have to worry about a fainted mother on top of a fallen car. I forget to call 911 or the police. Fortunately, some smarter people must have driven past the place, seen the car, and did the calling for me, because from the gas station I see firefighters and police go by. Once again, I pull out my Hollywood skills and wave them down. Yep, they are going to my car. The police asks me a bunch of questions, he doesn't even do the little blowing thing to see if I am drunk, I am clearly sober. He is super calm and says lots of people have fall down that same curve, although he is surprised to see I survived - as if this would make me feel better. Finally my dad arrives, and we drive back to where the car is (or better said, the street above it). The firefighters have stopped the little traffic there is in one direction so that they tow truck can pull out the car (poor firefighters, what a boring job to be doing on a Sunday morning).

I am looking out from the next curve where there happens to be a pullout. Passerbyers stop to take pictures of the scene. One of them is just meters away. He is old and looks preoccupied. "Don't worry, I am alive!" I yell out. "Yep, I sure hope he survived!" He didn't hear me very well. "It was me!" I clarify. He comes over and starts touching my face, as if to make sure I am not a ghost or something.

The firefighters joke around, I probably just wanted to get a better view and drove the car down there on purpose. I laugh with them. They pull out the car. It is intact. Well, I take that back, they deflated one of the tires in the yanking process. They pump it up, and it is ready to go. I drive home... slower than an old lady.

CA Highway 1

I clearly did not take this, but Google was kind enough to do so.

THE AFTER

The days following the crash were tough. Nothing had physically happened to me. Not a scratch. No one could tell that something had happened. I had fallen off a cliff inside a safety bubble. My body was fine, but my mind was not. I had trouble sleeping. I would close my eyes and that instant when the car tipped over would just play over and over in my head. Going to work was pointless, I couldn't do anything. And I didn't want to tell anyone what had happened either. I felt there was no point, after all, I was still alive. The people that knew kept saying that it was a miracle that I was alive, and I didn't know what to respond, except for "yep". There was not an exact moment when the shock faded and reality set in, sometimes I think I am still in that parallel state of mind where I can't really see myself having lived what I tell people I did.

One of those first days, at work, I randomly thought of checking on the internet to see what Saint Day it was on the day I fell. For those not familiar with this, the Catholic Church (I am catholic) has a calendar of the days of saints, that's it. It said that November 27th was the day of the Miraculous Medal and showed the image below. I sat there looking at the the medal... I had seen that before... where had I seen that medal before?

Mityana, Uganda. 2012. Outside of the cathedral, women are selling candle holders, statues and rosaries, on blankets spread out on the ground. I walk around and stop at one, and buy three wooden rosaries, and one more. A small black one...

I look down from my computer, and see around my next the black rosary. I had not used it for years. But for some reason, I saw it laying there on the day I left for Sea Ranch and put it on. I look at it closely, and there it is. The miraculous medal.

From then on, I wore the rosary every single day... Until it broke just a few days ago. Call me superstitious, but I see that as a sign.

THE LESSONS

Ever since November 27th, 2016, the desire to LIVE - and not just survive day by day - has been present every single moment (as I wrote on this post, one month after the accident) This past year has been the hardest of my life. The accident made a whole lot of mess inside of me. I had to face uncomfortable questions that I knew the answer but did not want to admit. What am I doing with my life? What do I want my life to look like? How can I work towards my dreams today? And if things take time, instead of living in a waiting room, what can I do now to enjoy the present moment? What can I do today, so that when that last goodbye comes I can go in peace, knowing that my life was well lived? The list goes on...

What questions would you ask yourself?

I had to make tough decisions - decisions that I had avoided for a long time. Frida Kahlo once said, "donde no puedas amar, no te demores." ("Where you cannot love, do not delay") I would extend it to, "Where you cannot love, reach your fullest potential, become your truest self and feel complete happiness, do not delay." This meant I had to let go of a lot of things that had been in the way of that - old habits, pessimistic thoughts, worries, fears, judgements, unhealthy relationships - and replace them with patience, flexibility, optimism, discipline and above all, love for myself.

I began thinking about death a lot more. But not in a negative way, afraid. Rather, is the most positive of ways! Thinking about the possibility of dying any moment, motivated me to not waste my time on pessimism, on what social pressure dictates I do or don't do, on strict ideas that I had come up with long ago and never revisited, and on so, so many other things. I needed to "pay off the debts", as we say in Spanish - and I got a huge urge to do everything NOW. I felt the need to say things to people, instead of keeping things in as I was used to doing. This as incredibly hard, but amazingly rewarding. I cannot stress enough how important this is, and the relief that it brings.

If you knew you were going to die tomorrow... what would you say to those around you today? Think about it seriously, and then do it!

By NO means have I succeeded in all of this. In fact I will never get to a point when I say, "Ok, I am done, I have reached my best self!" But I can work towards it every day! Some days I go to bed thinking, "Well, that was a completely unproductive day!" and that is OK. This is SUPER hard for me to come to terms with. I need to learn to forgive myself, and have patience with my own slow, progress.

First and foremost, WE need to take better care of ourselves, we need to love ourselves more! There is no distinction between our body, mind and soul... if one is out of whack, the others will suffer the consequences. Out bodies are not machines, and most people nowadays treat them as that. They need to be fed well, taken care of - they need to sweat! Our mind needs to be paid attention to, it needs to be offered a variety of pastimes (preferably some of which do not involve a screen), - and it needs to rest! And our soul, it needs to be nourished with a big fat daily dosis laughs, hugs, kisses and good vibes.

I really hope this post was helpful, even if you just got one sentence out of it. Please take care, especially when driving on windy rounds, and congrats on getting to the end of this bible of a post! Isn't it AWESOME to be alive?!?!?!!?

LOTS OF GOOD VIBES YOUR WAY! :)

I stopped a at pullout to take this, minutes before falling

#miracle #accident #CAroute1 #fallingoffcliff #lifechangingmoment